I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
