my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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