I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So apparently I’m into choking now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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