A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
