I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
