yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
