i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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