he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
