he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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