Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
