Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I had to cum in my sink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
