i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
