Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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