i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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