i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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