pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
