I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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