there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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