Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
