You smell like a Billy Joel song
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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