We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
