So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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