Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
