My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My hand turned me down
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
