I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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