mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
