I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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