I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
