Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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