I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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