Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
