I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
