Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
