my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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