would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
