I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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