Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
