For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
