If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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