those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
