so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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