I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
