Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
