If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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