And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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