When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
