people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
