So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
