I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
