my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
