Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
